Fully Alive
by raindropp
Summary: Update: Sorry. The muse is dead. Anyone want to Even Cameron is unaware of just how human she is. Deals with the very humanistic qualities of Cameron, hints at her true mission, and explores her relationship with John. We'll go with a M rating to be safe
1. Chapter 1

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is. Deals with the very humanistic qualities of Cameron, hints at her true mission, and explores her relationship with John. Follows the show up through "Heavy Metal."

Disclaimer – I do not own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise. If I did, I would own Dekker and Biehn. Kudos to Flyleaf for the title inspiration and the lyrics included.

Note –Originally planned to go in a different direction with this, but then I wrote chapter 2 and had to make some changes because I enjoyed it so much.

Also, after watching tonight's episode ["Queen's Gambit", I'm a little worried about my story. I prefer to keep stories in canon, but there were hints about Cameron in the latest episode that would go against what I would hope for. Having said that, I think I will continue this story the way it is. If I like the way the show is going, I might add a second part to this one.

Thanks to the following for all of their reviews and encouragement: **PadawanMage**, **Hawki**, **RubyFresh**, **I Am The Prince of Wales**, **Scipio'sgirl**, **rivermer**, **bookwormbeauty**, and **HalloweenJack138**.

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 1**

_What is your mission?_

_To protect John Connor._

Cameron stood in the room that Sarah had assigned to her. On the dresser table lay the coltan that she had taken with her. She had not told Sarah or John that she had it. She wondered if she should. Would it benefit her mission? Would it compromise her mission?

She weighed the possible outcomes of such a confession to her human counterparts, and the logical answer was to keep the information to herself.

Cameron carefully picked up the coltan and delicately wrapped it in the towel that she had taken from the linen closet. She knelt beside her bed and placed the bundle carefully out of the way under the bed. She determined that Sarah and John would not think to enter her room. There was no reason. Sarah and John had left her to herself.

She stood up. Having hidden the coltan, she reevaluated the past couple of days in light of her mission.

She had managed to keep John safe at school, particularly with the Jordan Cowan incident. John was not happy with her, she could tell. Nevertheless, she had done her job. He would see she was right eventually.

However…

The look on his face this morning, when she had walked in on his and Sarah's discussion and told them about Cromartie, had hurt her.

No, not _hurt_. She was not programmed to feel pain. The look on his faced _disturbed_her. No, wrong again. What was it? The look on John's face—

Hurt, disturbed, bothered, concerned, degraded, disgraced, dishonored, embarrassed, humiliated, offended, perturbed, troubled, upset, wounded…

No, no, no. None of these words worked. They described human characteristics like_emotion_, _pride_, and _honor_. Such things were not found in a terminator.

Cameron shuddered. She knew that she was a terminator. Terminators do not _feel_. Not pain, not pity, remorse or fear.

Nevertheless, the fact that John was mad at her _hurt_ Cameron. There was no other term for it. Cameron had _feelings_, and they were _hurt_.

Cameron sat down on the floor, hard.

And that is how John found her an hour later.


	2. Chapter 2

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I do not own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 2**

John could not sleep.

It was 2 a.m. He had finally given up on his homework hours ago. It was not that he did not understand chemistry; he was actually really good at science. He just felt like he was going to explode with nervous energy. Perhaps he was suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder. Perhaps he needed to see a shrink and get help.

John repressed a laugh of disdain. As if Sarah would ever let him see a shrink. And even if she did, John doubted that he would be able to get any help at all. He would be carted away to the loony bin as his mother had been, as they wanted to do to his father.

For the past 3 hours, John had been doing absolutely nothing. Well, that was not true. He had paced his room multiple times. He had listened to music. He had stared at his homework. He had stared at his computer screen and tried to come up with something that he could write on Jordan's memorial page that would not raise suspicions.

It amazed him how much time could pass when he was simply avoiding life.

The problem was that every time he started to do something, he would see the terminator from that afternoon. He could see the terminator shooting the men and breaking that one man's neck.

John was used to seeing dead bodies. He was used to watching people die.

He just could never get used to watching someone killed by a terminator.

John pushed back from his desk and wearily rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted, but he had already tried going to sleep, and all that had earned him was yet another terrifying nightmare. In this one, he saw Jordan plummeting to the earth, only to raise herself up and glare at him with the glowing red eyes of a terminator.

Sleep was not an option.

Sarah had gone to bed a little before one. She had tried to talk to him, but John had faked getting ready for bed and complained of being tired from the long day. He knew Sarah wanted to talk about what had happened in the fallout shelter. She would want to know about smacking the guard over the head with the bar of coltan in the truck. She would want to know how he had to remove the key from around the terminator's neck, praying the entire time that the damn machine would not "awake" and kill him.

She would want to know, but John did not want to talk about it. He did not want her to listen to everything he had done, and then tell him what he _should_ have done.

Sometimes he really hated his mom.

John decided it was no use sitting around and doing nothing all night. He got up and headed for the kitchen. As he passed Cameron's room, he noticed her light was on. Curious to see what she did instead of sleeping, he cautiously opened the door.

The light hurt his eyes after the darkness of the hallway, and it took John a couple of seconds to adjust. When he did, he noticed Cameron sitting on the floor, head bowed, and her hands locked together in her lap.

She was not moving.

"Cameron?" he whispered as he knelt beside her. She looked at him with large eyes. "Cameron, are you alright?" John said. He reached for her hands and took one in his. Cameron looked at her hand in his with a distracted fascination. She cocked her head to the side, and John, unsure of what to say or do, gently smoothed a thumb over her knuckles.

A shudder went through Cameron, and John stopped, almost dropping her hand. "Cameron," he asked a third time, "what's wrong?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

John blinked. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"

"You blame me for Jordan Cowan's death."

John swallowed hard. "Yeah, I do," he admitted.

Cameron shook her head. "You hate me," she whispered, and John almost swore he could hear sadness in her voice.

"N-n-no, I don't," he stammered.

"It would be perfectly acceptable if you did," Cameron said. "You have no obligation to like me. I am neither your relative nor friend. I am a mere machine, one originally programmed for the termination of your species. If anything, you _should_ hate me."

"Cameron, I don't hate you," John blurted out.

"You distrust me," she said.

Cameron stared up at him. Her eyes drove him nuts. They were great brown pools of emotion, and they unnerved him. He found himself inexplicably wrapping his arms around Cameron's shoulders and drawing her close to himself.

"If I hated you, if I distrusted you," he began, "would I be able to touch you like this?"

She was rigid in his arms, and he held her tighter. He did not know why he was holding her. He had no idea what possessed him to do so, but now that he was touching her, softly pressing her to his chest, he did not care.

She was so _warm_, and soft, and beautiful, and—

"You should hate me," she whispered, and her breath was warm against his neck.

"I don't think I want to," he said in a husky voice.

Cameron let herself sink into John's embrace. She put her own arms around his waist, turning her face to bury it into his shoulder. He tilted his head to rest it against the top of hers and began to twist strands of her long hair around his fingers.

"I don't want to hate you," John clarified, breathing her in.

She felt so warm, and soft, and beautiful—and right.

She felt _right_.

And then, the next thing John knew was that Cameron was pushing him away with such force he hit the door with a thud.

"Cameron, what the hell?" he gasped.

She stood over him, her face cold and expressionless. "You need to leave," she told him. "Now."

"Cameron—" John tried to begin, but she slapped him across the face.

His face stung, tears coming to his eyes that he tried very hard to hold back. He gingerly touched his face, afraid to find his flesh torn or his jaw broken, but Cameron had mercifully held back her full strength.

John staggered to his feet. The door behind him opened, knocking into him, and Sarah was there, eyes blazing, clutching a handgun.

"What's happened?" she growled, her voice heavily constricted by sleep. "I heard a noise."

She took in the situation before her. Cameron standing as though ready to attack, and her son standing with his head bowed, trying not to look at her.

Sarah addressed both of them as she asked, "What's going on here? What were you two doing?"

"Nothing," John said. He straightened himself and wiped his eyes before giving Cameron a hard look. He tried to pass his mother, but Sarah saw the large red welt forming on his face.

"John, what happened to you?" she asked, grabbing him by the arm.

"Nothing," he said, trying to shrug her off.

"John! Look at me!" she yelled.

Slowly, John looked his mother right in the eye. He stared her down, and then said, "Nothing's wrong, Mom. Goodnight."

He wrenched his arm free from her and exited the room. The two women could hear him walking determinedly downstairs where Sarah assumed John would head to the kitchen for ice. Sarah fixated her attention on the terminator before her.

"What did you do to my son?" Sarah asked.

Cameron stared past Sarah to the door through which John had just left.

"I protected him," Cameron said simply. She looked at Sarah as though finally recognizing her presence, and said, "You should get some sleep."

They could hear John slamming the freezer door shut downstairs in the kitchen, and then stomp his way back upstairs to his bedroom.

Sarah stared at Cameron in anger and fear. A thousand and one questions were circling in her mind, and one fear was building itself inside her.

"What were you two doing?" she asked.

Cameron did not answer but instead walked past Sarah as John had done and left the room. Sarah chased after her and watched as Cameron began to make her rounds of the house, leaving Sarah alone with her gun in the dark hallway.

* * *

_What is your mission?_ Cameron heard His voice ask in her mind as she rounded a corner.

_To protect John Connor_, she automatically responded. She marched into the living room, scanning the doorways and windows for any signs of intruders.

_To protect John Connor_, Cameron repeated to herself, _even when I do not want to_.


	3. Chapter 3

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I do not own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 3**

Sarah sat at the kitchen table with her cup of coffee and waited for John to come down from his room.

She had not slept much last night. The fact that her 15-year-old son had been alone with an attractive cyborg was enough to fill her mind with several different scenarios, all of which ended with Sarah showing up and shooting Cameron to hell for taking advantage of her son.

Sarah closed her eyes and inhaled the comforting aroma of her coffee. Raising John had never been a normal experience, what with the whole doomsday outlook on life, but she had been on top of things, observant and yes, overprotective, and John had been kept out of harm's way. With Cameron around, though, Sarah was at a loss as to handle the situation.

She had once thought about what would happen when John discovered girls. It had not really bothered her considering their lifestyle. John could meet a girl on Monday, kiss her by Wednesday, ask her out on Thursday, and be 5000 miles away by Friday evening. John and girls had never been a problem for Sarah.

Until now, that is.

Footsteps were heard shuffling down the stairs, and Sarah watched as John entered the kitchen and immediately began hunting around in the fridge for something to eat. He emerged with an apple in his hand and slammed the door shut.

"Morning," Sarah told him, trying to be nonchalant.

"Morning," he mumbled. He sat down at the table beside her and took a bite out of the fruit. As he munched away, Sarah discreetly checked his face.

There was an ugly bruise, purple and brown, along his cheek. Sarah was disturbed by the fact that it had the shape of a small hand. John saw her staring at him, and turned away from her so that she could not see the right side of his face.

"I hope you put ice on that."

"I did."

"John," Sarah began, "I think you should stay home from school today."

"What?" he asked. "No way. I'm not going to stay cooped up in this house all day with you. Besides, I have a chemistry test today!"

"I'll call in to the school and tell them that you're sick," Sarah explained. "That you're both sick," she added, realizing it wouldn't be good to have Cameron wandering the halls of a high school unsupervised.

"No, no, no!" John said, punctuating each "no" with a slapping of his hand on the kitchen table. "I'm not going to spend all day with you two again. You can't keep me out of school. They've got laws against that, you know."

"They've also got laws against parents hitting their children," Sarah said. John looked up at her in surprise. "What," she taunted, "Did you think they weren't going to notice? And what would you tell him happened? You fell down the stairs? Or would you tell them the truth, that your sister Cameron bitch-slapped you silly."

John was seething with anger, but he knew she was right, and that no one would believe him. He would end up drawing unnecessary attention to them if he went to school with Cameron's handprint on his face.

Sarah gave him a small, satisfied smile. "Besides," she told him, "the garage needs painting."

He scowled at her. At that moment, Cameron entered the room. She was casually dressed, and she sat at the table with them.

She looked at the angry face of John to the tightly drawn face of Sarah, and addressing her female companion, said, "We shouldn't go to school today. The administration will think you have been abusing John. No one would believe him if he said anything different, even if he told them that I hit him."

"Oh, I don't know," John said as he stood from the table, "You both think I'm such a pansy-ass anyway, the school probably thinks so too."

"Where are you going?" Sarah called after him.

"To paint the damn garage," he shouted over his shoulder.

Sarah sighed. She caught Cameron staring at her and asked, "What?"

"What's a pansy-ass?"


	4. Chapter 4

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I don't own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

Note - More language in this one.

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 4**

John Connor, the Savior of Humanity, the Great General, the Leader of the Resistance, etc, was pissed off.

His face hurt. It was puffy and sore, and even the simplest actions, like talking or even just breathing, caused so much pain that he had begun wishing that he was a fucking cyborg just so he wouldn't have to feel any more pain.

John Connor was a pansy-ass who needed to grow a pair, and he knew it.

At the moment, he was quite content with sulking and bitching.

"Damn it!" he shouted when he discovered that he had accidentally dripped paint across the floor of the garage. The fumes were driving him up the wall, and apparently, Sarah had decided to scrimp when it came to purchasing paint because it was the cheapest shit John had ever seen.

And John had painted a lot of rooms and garages.

It was one of his least favorite chores.

Now, as he sunk to his knees and tried to wipe up as much of the paint as he could with the one clean corner of the paper towel in his hand, John was filled with so much anger that he could barely see.

And at this moment, he_did_ hate Cameron. Very much so.

He also hated himself, and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out which person he was more angry at.

Actually, he knew exactly with whom he was angrier. He just didn't want to admit it.

The door opened and Cameron appeared. She stood watching him, as if she were unsure whether or not it was safe to approach. He remained on the floor but sat up so that he could look at her.

"What do you want?" John asked, not even trying to hide the bitterness in her voice.

"I brought you something," Cameron said. She entered the garage and held out a small plastic tube. "For your bruise," she explained.

"Fuck you."

The insult was not lost on Cameron, but she ignored it. "It will help it heal," she explained, still holding it out to him. "You'll get to go back to school sooner."

John glared at her, and then gave in. He opened the tube and smeared some of the ointment on his fingertip. Trying to apply it was easier said than done. His flesh was still tender to the touch, and the medicine had a strong smell that irritated his eyes. He knew he shouldn't whine like a baby, but he was frustrated.

"This shit stinks," he complained.

"It's not shit," Cameron said, taking his words literally. "It's arnica ointment. It will reduce inflammation and swelling."

"It still stinks," John protested. He was having trouble applying it properly, and had succeeded in covering most of his lower face with the ointment. He looked like a clown, and Cameron couldn't help herself.

She laughed at him.

John stopped what he was doing and stared at her. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm sorry," Cameron giggled, "you just look so funny. Let me help you."

She knelt beside him and took the medicine from his hand. She carefully applied it to his bruise, softly spreading it and rubbing it into his skin. He winced and hissed with pain, but Cameron simply shushed him and called him a baby.

With her clean hand, she carefully removed the excess ointment from John's face, and then stood up. John followed suit and watched as she walked over to a table on the other side of the garage and found a clean paper towel with which to wipe her hands.

"What's with you, Cameron?" he asked her. "How can you be so robotic and technical one minute, and the next, you're laughing and calling me names like a normal person."

"I don't know," Cameron admitted. "Sometimes, I just feel—"

She stopped talking and shook her head. "I'm not supposed to talk to you about this," she said.

"Why not?"

"Because it could compromise my mission," Cameron told John. "The less you know, the safer you will be."

"Haven't you gotten it through that dense, coltan skull of yours?" John asked angrily. "I'm never going to be _safe_ until Skynet's destroyed. So why don't you tell me something true about yourself?"

When Cameron did not answer right away, John spat out, "That's an order, soldier."

Her eyes lit up at his words, and she giggled again. "I don't take my orders from you," Cameron said.

"Okay, that's one of things I want to know about," John cried, latching on to her momentary lapse of restraint. "Who are you supposed to take orders from?"

"John Connor."

"But not _me_ John Connor. _Future_ John Connor, right? Right?"

"Affirmative."

"Cut the terminator-lingo bullshit," John said with a roll of his eyes. "Keep talking like a human. It's less annoying."

"Okay," Cameron said simply. John began to pace the garage, the painting forgotten.

"So, you're a terminator from the future," he began, thinking aloud. "You've come here with direct orders from my future self to protect me."

"Yes."

"Now, who are you protecting me from?" John asked.

"Cromartie," was Cameron's fast reply. Then, she added, "And any other threats that you might encounter."

"Such as?"

"Well, obviously any other terminators that we might come across," Cameron began. "Even if their mission is not about you, the primary mission of all terminators is to terminate John Connor. All they would need to do is scan you and discover who you are—"

"And then I'd be fucked," John concluded.

"Then you would be terminated," Cameron said. Her brow crinkled in confusion and she tried to explain, "Terminators are not programmed for sexual intercourse."

John laughed. "Then I guess Mom's got nothing to worry about with you and me," he said.

Cameron laughed nervously with him, and then continued her report. "Secondary threats would include the local authorities and any other humans that might want to harm you for whatever reason."

"So, I should stay away from police officers and school bullies," John said sarcastically.

"And thirdly, I'm to protect you from any other means of harm."

"Basically, what you're telling me is that you're to be my guardian angel."

"Yes," Cameron agreed, "except I don't fly."

John laughed again. "Pity," he said, "Skynet should get on that."

He was silent for a few minutes, processing everything that Cameron had told him and comparing it with the various situations in which Cameron had been there to "save him."

"When do I become the Future John Connor?" was his next question.

"When you decide to."

"What is that supposed to mean?" John asked. "Can't you give me like a day or event that I could keep an eye out for?"

"No," Cameron said. "It is not your place to know."

"Well, then how does my future self expect me to know when my destiny has arrived?"

She looked at him quizzically. "You're destiny arrived the day you were conceived," Cameron told him. The mocking grin slipped from John's face at her words. "You shouldn't look at your role in this world as something only related to the future. If you do that, then we are all—" Cameron paused and tried to think of an appropriate term. "Then we are all _fucked_," she finished. "You're destiny is now."

John didn't know what to say. He stared at Cameron and tried to make sense of her words.

Cameron watched him. "I think I should go help your mother with lunch," she said.

He didn't try to stop her from leaving. He knew she was right.

And the simple fact of it scared the hell out of him.


	5. Chapter 5

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I do not own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 5**

Except for that moment in the garage, John was unable to find an excuse to be alone with Cameron all day. Sarah made sure of that. When he was done with the garage, Sarah made him fix a leaky pipe in the bathroom (one that John was certain had not been leaking that morning, which meant that Sarah was trying to find things to keep him busy). He also had to do the dishes (the dishwasher was conveniently out of order), and he had some homework that somehow Sarah had managed to get from the school. Apparently, John and Cameron both had the chicken pox.

While he worked, Sarah and Cameron had a mini war council in the living room, and subsequently, Cameron was gone all day on a reconnaissance mission. She came back just as Sarah and John were fixing dinner, and Sarah left John to finish up so that she could hear Cameron's report.

John didn't like the fact that he was being shunned.

After dinner, Sarah had sent John to his room under strict orders to work on his homework. He willingly obliged, but was soon bored with reading _Romeo and Juliet_.

He got on Jordan's memorial site and read the comments and messages that his fellow students had left. He still couldn't think of anything to write. Everything he wanted to say would just cause trouble.

He was eventually even bored with the internet, and by 9 p.m., John was lying flat on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

He soon fell asleep.

It was 3:57 a.m. when John awoke. His mother must have come into his room while he was asleep because there was a blanket drawn over him, his shoes were on the floor, and the lights had been turned off.

John reached over and switched on his bedside lamp. He was surprised that he had managed to sleep without any dreams, but now his body was full of energy as if he had drank 5 cups of coffee.

There was a soft rapping at his door. John sat up in his bed and held his breath as his bedroom door slowly began to open. There was a gun on the other side of the bed. If he could just reach it—

The door was open, and Cameron was standing in his room.

She smiled at him and shut the door behind her.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered. "Mom will kill us both."

"We need to finish our conversation," Cameron said matter-of-factly.

"Why now?"

"Because we're alone now, and it will go better without Sarah trying to shelter you."

The cold frankness of her words shut John up. He nodded his agreement. Cameron plopped down on the end of his bed, cross-legged and facing him.

"So, you know now who I take my orders from," she began, "and what I'm technically supposed to be doing?"

"Technically?" John repeated. "That sounds reassuring."

"What else do you want to know?" she asked, ignoring his comment.

"Anything?" John asked.

"Within reason."

He thought for a minute, mulling his options over in his mind. He knew this was perhaps the last chance he was going to get. After this conversation, Cameron would probably revert to her previous, distanced self, and John would have to go back to pretending she had a metal plate in her head.

There were hundreds of questions he wanted to ask, but now, only two mattered to him.

"You told me that I have—" he paused, feeling embarrassed that this mattered so much to him, "—you said I have _friends_ in the future."

"Many friends," Cameron acknowledged. "Closer to you than blood."

"What about my mom?"

Cameron shook her head. "That one's off limits, John," she told him, but there was a kindness in her voice that kept him from fighting her.

"Can you tell me about these friends?" John asked.

Cameron cocked her head to the side. "They are all your subordinates, your followers, but they love you like a brother. Many of them have you to thank for saving their lives and the lives of their families. They would die for John Connor," she finished, swelling with pride.

"I saved their lives?" he asked. He sounded like a child, but he couldn't imagine anyone willing to die for a loser like him. Except his mother, of course, but she was his _mother_. She was supposed to care that much for him.

"Many times over," Cameron told him. "And they have saved yours from time to time. The future is a dangerous place." Her eyes glazed over for a minute, and John wondered if terminators had memories like humans or were they simply stored facts in their hard drives.

"What about you?" John asked after a few minutes of easy silence. "How do I know you?"

Cameron smiled at him. Her expression caused something to stir inside of John, something akin to déjà vu. It was disconcerting.

"I can't tell you that, John," she said. "Just know that you trust me. You trust me in the future, and you should trust me now."

Cameron paused, and then added, "And know that even though I'm not human, John—I mean, you—cared about me enough to make me as fully human as possible."

"What do you mean?" John asked.

"I mean that I know how to feel," Cameron whispered to him. Her eyes were wide with excitement.

"You mean, like pain?" he asked.

"No, not pain. I think John knew that if I could feel pain it would hinder me in protecting you. No, what I mean by _feel _is that I have_emotions_."

"Emotions?"

"Yes," she whispered. "I can feel happy, sad, angry, frustrated, hurt—"

"Can you cry?" John interrupted.

"What?" Cameron asked.

In an urgent and emotionally charged voice, John asked again, "Can you cry?"

Cameron stood from the bed. She walked off to the side of the room and turned her back to him. John watched from his bed with anticipation.

_Can I cry?_ Cameron thought. She pictured Jordan Cowan in the restroom, her eye makeup dripping down her cheeks, her lips and eyes puffy, and her nose red. She remembered the animalistic noise of Jordan's sobs coming from the bathroom stall, her gasps of exasperation at Cameron's inability to understand her.

It was raw emotion.

Cameron remembered the tears Sarah shed when Enrique died. They were tears of painful regret and disbelieve.

There were so many emotions that could make a person cry. It was so _human_ and foreign to Cameron that she was worried she would not be able to cry for John. And if she could not cry for John, she had a suspicion that he would not believe her.

She had to think of something that had stirred emotion within her.

_John_.

Images of John began to flood her mind. She could see him the first day they met. She remembered when he told her that he had lied to her about his father. The way he spoke about Reese, the bitter pain that he felt as he told her that his father was dead.

_He's dead. He was a soldier. He was killed on a mission. _

_I'm sorry…Thank you for explaining. It'll be our secret. _

A silent shake moved through Cameron's body.

John tossed aside the blanket wrapped around him. He moved toward the end of the bed, watching Cameron with fascination.

Cameron thought about that day when they went on the run. She remembered the gas station, Sarah inside buying food and supplies, and John offering a chip to Cameron.

_What model are you? You seem different._

_I am. _

She thought about the sneaking glances that John took after they had arrived in the future. Glances at her while they quickly dressed in the clothes that Cameron had "provided."

Cameron shivered with something akin to pleasure, and a wave of sadness rolled over her because of it.

Cameron remembered the fierce look of pain on John's face as she refused to let him go to Jordan Cowan's aide. It was a look of pure anguish and anger, and Cameron had caused it.

A sob escaped her lips.

John stood up. He wondered if it was an all an act, if perhaps after all this time, Cameron was lulling him into a false sense of security. He wondered if he should reach for her, would she spin around and shoot him dead. Would she give in to her original purpose?

Cameron remembered the bitterness etched in John's face the morning after Jordan's death.

She remembered feeling his arms around her last night, the sound of his voice when he told her he didn't hate her.

The sobs were coming faster now, gasps of heart-wrenching pain.

John carefully reached for her. "Cameron," he whispered.

He took her by the shoulder and eased her to him. She was shaking so hard he was afraid she was having a fit.

"Cameron, I'm sorry," John said. "Please, don't do this to yourself. It's not worth it."

She turned and looked at him, tears streaming down her face.

"I know now why you cry," Cameron said.

* * *

A/N - I'm going to try my hardest to finish this story, and hopefully you will like it. I want to keep the characters as canon as possible, but I find writing for Cameron especially difficult. Plus, I love the idea of Cameron being almost too human. Like John perhaps wanted to see if he could make her as human as possible.

Of course, the show will probably go in a different direction than I am, but I'm okay with that. Like I said, I might add a second part to this story. We'll see.

Hopefully new chapters will be up tomorrow, but there's some bad winter weather here and I might lose power. If that's the case, just leave me a ton of love.


	6. Chapter 6

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I don't own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

**Note: **I'm baaaack! Oh my, you guys are amazing. Your reviews were all carefully read and greatly appreciated. In fact, after the sudden outpouring of love and encouragement, I took a step back from this story so that I could determine just exactly what it was that I was trying to convey. I didn't want to disappoint all of you beautiful readers, and I have to admit that I am terribly intimidated.

Chapters 6 and 7 are being posted today because they go together. Both take place in the future, which was an idea that I had but was unsure of how to portray it. I felt that if Cameron spilled the beans completely to John, I would ultimately write myself into a corner. This way we can explore Cameron's character in the comfort of an uncertain future. Plus, I wanted to write a story that could possibly work with later episodes.

After watching "Queen's Gambit, " I went back over chapters 6 and 7 and decided that not only would I delve into future, but I would use our brand new character Derek Reese as well. I also stepped out of my comfort zone and ended up using Kyle Reese, and I want to say right now that if anyone is bothered at all by my portrayal of Kyle, I am so so sorry. I decided that I couldn't please everyone, so if you feel like I've taken too many liberties, I apologize but I'm not taking it back.

[I also toned down chapter six. It was originally much cruder but I felt that wasn't...kosher.

Ultimately, this chapter follows the series up until "Heavy Metal." All later episodes might inspire me, but they will not dictate the way this story goes.

Oh, God, I hope you like this. I'm shaking in my boots! Hopefully there will be more chapters soon, but I am in college and life is getting pretty hectic. Midterms are in a week, and then there's spring break, and work, work, work. Of course, when I'm sitting in a boring lecture, I often start daydreaming about this story, so don't worry about me abandoning it!

One last thing: Yes, I took some cues on how to kill a terminator from QG, although didn't they do that in one of the movies too? I can't remember.

This note is almost as long as the chapter. Whew. If you've read this far, give yourself a pat on the back. And now, on to the chapter!

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 6**

The human is a frail creature indeed. Its fragile body offers hardly any protection against the elements, and its mental capacity and emotional state often degrades what little strength it physically possesses. It is in a human's nature to be weak.

This was Cameron's understanding of the human race. From the day she was first made, she had known that humanity was undeserving of its existence. Humanity was insufficient and temperamental.

The terminator was the human's opposite. Strength and endurance were its fundamental characteristics. It did not possess the capacity for the qualities that so degraded humanity. Emotion and pain were absent, thus placing even the weakest and most ill made terminator above the greatest of humans.

It was Goliath triumphing over David.

Thus was the system in which Cameron was programmed, and thus was the way in which she judged mankind, until she met John Connor.

* * *

"Are you crazy?" Derek Reese screamed in a hoarse voice. "Are you fucking crazy?"

"Shut up and help me," Kyle muttered. "She might look tiny, but trust me, she's all terminator."

Derek shook his head in disbelief but helped his struggling brother carry the lifeless killing machine.

"You take its head, and I'll grab the feet," Derek said. Kyle grunted in agreement, and on the count of three, the two brothers lifted the terminator and proceeded to carry her back to home.

"What, might I ask, makes you think that Connor is going to want this?" Derek wheezed.

"Just a feeling I have," Reese replied. "You know Connor is fascinated with these damn things. Don't you remember what he said the other day? How there was a good chance that we could reprogram a terminator to be on our side?"

"Do you honestly think a terminator would fight for the side that wants to see it and its kind annihilated?"

"Terminators aren't like us, Derek," Kyle reminded him. "Their mission to kill humans is encoded within them. Connor says all you'd have to do is hack the code and you could program them to do whatever you wanted."

"So, could we program this one to fuck?" Derek leered, eyeing the round breasts that were just barely covered by a flimsy shirt.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "That's completely unethical," he warned his brother, "but yes, hypothetically, we could program this cyborg to be your fucking sex toy."

"Do you think Connor would let us?"

A sigh of disgust was Kyle's response.

"What?" Derek asked defensively. "We can't all masturbate to a photo of—"

"You even think about finishing that sentence, and I'll blow your goddamn head off."

* * *

At first, the guards were not going to let the Reese brothers into the settlement with their metal friend. Kyle tried to explain that the damn thing could not do anything since its CPU was in his back pocket, but the dogs were still going crazy and no one seemed all that willing to even stand close to the machine, much less bring it to John Connor.

Fortunately, a message was sent to the general, and permission was granted for the soldiers to bring their leader their prize.

They were quickly ushered into John's small shelter where the general was waiting for them. The brothers carefully lowered the cyborg to the ground and then saluted.

"At ease, gentlemen," John Connor said. "Care to explain what this is all about?"

Derek looked at Kyle as if to say _Go ahead, this was your brilliant idea_. Kyle nodded and addressed the general.

"Sir, as you know we were out scouting the surrounding area. There had been reports of various H-K sightings."

"Yes, I'm aware," John interrupted, although not unkindly, "Continue."

"Well, sir, we were attacked by this one," Kyle said, nudging the terminator with his foot. "Of course, we were scared shitless, but Derek managed to, uh, knock it out."

"I got lucky with a pipe bomb," Derek answered in response to John's glance. The general nodded and turned his attention back to the first Reese.

"Right, so we knew we had about 120 seconds before it rebooted," Kyle explained. "And so we decided—"

"_Kyle_ decided," Derek clarified.

"Okay, _I _decided to remove its chip instead of leaving it behind to come after us."

"Where is it?" John asked. His voice was devoid of emotion, and Kyle nervously reached into his pocket and retrieved the chip. He tossed it into John's outstretched hand and glanced at his brother as the general examined the device.

"I thought we could examine it, sir," Kyle said. "It's a new model, and I figured this way we could find out what we are up against." He swallowed, and blurted out, "I also thought we could maybe reprogram it and use it against Skynet."

"That's only a theory," John muttered, still inspecting the CPU. "We've never actually tried it before."

"I know, sir, but I think it's worth consideration."

The general was silent. Derek silently cursed his brother for being so stupid. Kyle was sweating bullets. He was beginning to think that this was the dumbest idea he had ever had.

John finally addressed the two brothers. "Good work," he said. "I think you might have something here, Kyle."

Kyle breathed a sigh of relief and shot his brother a face that clearly said _told you so_. Derek rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"I believe if you two hurry you will still be able to get some dinner," General Connor told the two. "We'll talk about this later."

The two saluted again and left. John grinned as he listened to the two brothers bicker on their way outside. They were always fighting with each other, and it was a source of great amusement to their general.

John crossed the room and knelt beside the terminator. The brothers had laid it down on her face, and now, John carefully eased her over onto her back.

She was petite and had dark hair. There were cuts across her face and on her body from the blast, and one of her arms was almost completely severed from her body, but she could easily be repaired. Her eyes were wide open, blank and a deep brown.

She was just as he remembered.

* * *

The fate of the world was about to change forever.

Twenty-five of John Connor's strongest and bravest men stood assembled before him, fighters and heroes, every one of them. Were humanity to win this war against the machines, each of them would be worthy of the history books. They had followed John from hell to a glimpse of salvation, loyal to the end, and now John was going to ask them for one more mission:

To leave this godforsaken world for a past that was blinded by its own ambition.

To enter a world that they could only imagine.

Kyle Reese stood off to the side as he watched the general address the troops. He longed to go with them, to prove himself worthy to his general. Perhaps he was young and impressionable as his brother often teased him, but Kyle firmly believed that he would die for John Connor. He admired the general greatly, loved him and practically worshipped him. In some ways, John Connor had become a father to the young soldier.

He was jealous of his brother Derek. The general had decided to include Derek in one of the latest missions. Kyle knew this could be the last time he ever saw his brother again, for not many people who time traveled ever came back, but Kyle could not help but feel a little bit of sibling rivalry.

In the shadows, Cameron stood near Kyle and watched with bored eyes. Kyle still felt uncomfortable around her, though she had begun to grow on him. She made the others quite jumpy, which is why she was rarely seen and why she was now carefully out of the way to avoid the attention of the soldiers in front of her. Kyle was willing to trust her, if only because the general trusted her.

And Cameron had earned that trust. There were many times that Cameron had proven her loyalty to the Resistance, and many in the assembly tonight owed her their lives, but the fact remained that Cameron was and would forever be a terminator.

It was not a comforting thought that one of the most trusted members of the Resistance had once been a dangerous foe.

"Humans put much emphasis on ceremony," Cameron said to him now.

"I guess ceremony causes one to remember the seriousness of the mission," Kyle mused, unsure as always of what to say. Sometimes talking to Cameron was like talking to a brick wall.

"All missions are serious," the terminator said.

"Yes, but this is special."

"Why?"

Kyle sighed and tried to think of a way to explain himself better. "Traditions and rituals and ceremonies," he began, stalling, "they give a sense of honor to the situation. I mean, General Connor could order me to do something and I would do it, but if he sent me out on a mission after something like this—I don't know. I guess it would make me realize how much everyone was depending on me. It would give me a sense of honor."

"Honor," Cameron repeated. "Honor is very important to humans. Why?"

Kyle shrugged. "It just is," he said. "It gives us purpose. If you don't have honor, you aren't worth much."

"John Connor is very honorable," Cameron observed.

Kyle looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "Yes, he is," he agreed.

"Do you think he will give me a mission?" she asked the soldier. "I would like to be honorable."

"You're a terminator. What do you need of honor?"

Cameron did not answer him.


	7. Chapter 7

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I don't own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

**Note: **I don't think I will be using the Reese Boys much for the rest of the fic, but I thought they would help set the stage for the ambigous nature of Cameron. Plus, I loved how terrified and yet pissed of Derek was to see Cameron in QG. He seemed to know her, which is why I wrote this interaction. I might have run after a random tangent with Derek, but I like him.

This story is about John and Cameron, though, so later chapters will go back to focusing on them. I'm fascinated by these two characters, and while I don't really approve of shipping the two (even though I am doing that somewhat here--I'm such a hypocrite!), I do believe that Cameron at least loves John. And I find the reasons why to be endless and fascinating. Plus, she's still so dangerous. I mean, she's a TERMINATOR! She could kill John in a second! I just love the tension in this show.

Enjoy.

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 7**

"Where is he?" Derek shouted at the machine. She answered him with a hard glare and began walking away, but Derek reached for her and struggled to stop her.

"Where is he?" he screamed again. "What have you done with my brother?"

Cameron flung him aside. He landed against the wall and fell forward, thrusting his hands out to soften his blow. A loud crack was heard as his wrist snapped from the impact. Derek cried out in pain, but his anger was more important to him, and he rose shakily to his feet.

"What have you done?" he snarled. "God damn metal bitch, I'll kill ya."

Cameron was waiting for him to make his move. He could see it in her eyes: she would kill him if he attacked her again, but for the first time the fear of a terminator did not make his blood run cold. Kyle was gone, and this one had something to do with it. He knew it! Derek was about to charge her when a voice behind him stopped him in his tracks.

"Enough, Reese."

Cameron remained unmoved, her eyes narrowed on the soldier in front of her. Likewise, Reese stood poised to attack, but his determination was shaken by the command of his general.

"That's an order, Reese."

Derek dropped his hands to his side. John put his hand on the man's shoulder as if to reassure him. Looking up, John simply nodded to Cameron. She did not say a word but turned and left them, heading down the hall.

John gripped Derek's shoulder tighter. He tried to think how to phrase what had happened. He had thought about this moment for years, and now that it had arrived, he was unsure of what to say to the man before him.

Derek, however, spoke first.

"Sir, where is Kyle?" Derek asked in a dangerously quiet voice.

"On a mission, Derek. He's on a mission."

"What mission?" the soldier turned to face John. "He wasn't—"

"He volunteered, Derek."

Derek's face registered shock and confusion. "Is he—" he stammered, "is he_there_?"

"Yes and no," John answered. "He's in the past, but not the time that you are going to."

"Did _she_ have something to do with this, sir?"

"I would kindly ask you to keep your remarks about Cameron to yourself," was the General's cold answer. "I know you don't trust her, and I don't give a damn if you do or not, but I would hope that you would at least trust _me _by now, Reese."

Derek dropped his head. He felt ashamed, but he was also seething with anger. He was angry with Cameron, with John, with Kyle, and with himself. The two men stood silently together for a few minutes, and when Derek spoke again, his voice was significantly calmer.

"May I ask what his mission was, sir?"

"I sent him to the year 1984," John said, "To protect my mother. Skynet has decided to rewrite history and has targeted her for termination."

He let this sink in for a minute, and then continued, "Kyle won't be coming back, Derek."

"Why?"

"Because even though he will accomplish his mission, Kyle will die."

Derek stared at the general. "How do you know that?"

John did not answer.

"Sir, I don't understand."

"I know," John said quietly. "I don't think I can tell you everything just yet. Not even Cameron knows everything that happens in the past. There is so much that I have kept hidden even from her. All I can tell you is that your brother—" John's voice choked, and he took a few seconds to collect himself before continuing on, "Your brother is one of the bravest men I have ever had the privilege of knowing."

Derek did not say anything. His general, the famous John Connor, Skynet's number one enemy, looked as if he were on the verge of tears. He had never seen the general so shaken.

"You need to be ready, Reese," John said in a gruff voice. "Soon I will be asking you to complete your mission, and you need to be ready. You remember what we have talked about?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good man," John said. "Dismissed."

The coldness of John's attitude stung Derek, but he saluted and began to walk in the opposite direction that Cameron had gone. He did not understand, but he did trust John Connor.

At least, he thought he did.

* * *

"It's time, Cameron," he said.

"I know."

"Do you understand what I am asking of you?"

"I do."

"What is your mission?"

"To protect John Connor."

"And what does that mean?" he asked.

"I am to protect John Connor against any threat of death or bodily harm," Cameron began to rattle off. "I am to protect him against any and all terminators that are sent by Skynet to terminate him. I am to help him fulfill his destiny, and I am to assist him in all manners appropriate and possible."

John nodded. He and his terminator friend were in his cold, dark room. Cameron was standing at attention, like one of his soldiers, while he sat on the edge of his table. After years of planning, it was finally time for Cameron's mission to begin. Kyle Reese had gone back to 1984. Derek Reese and his men were in 2007. Now, it was time for Cameron to leave for 1999.

"Cameron, there is one other mission that I must assign you," John said. Cameron nodded and waited. John wondered if he would be able to make sense to her, Cameron did not always understand him, which was one of the reasons he had planned this.

"Cameron," John began, "When Kyle Reese went back to save my mother, he revealed the future to her," he paused, and decided against telling the terminator about his conception. "After that, my mother went into hiding. She traveled the world, always on the run, always looking over her shoulder for a terminator. Even when I was born, she kept running and hiding."

Cameron stood silently and listened. She was studying John's face intently, and she was surprised to realize how old he looked. His face was worn and tired, his eyes bloodshot. Grey streaked his hair, and his shoulders were beginning to round forward like an old man's. Cameron was strangely aware of a sense of pity and concern for him.

But John was still talking.

"I have always lived on the run," he confessed. It was as if he were talking to a lover, spilling his most intimate secrets. The sad truth was that for John, Cameron was one of the few people that he felt an intimate connection. "My mother was overbearing and overprotective. Even when I started school, I rarely made friends. I was so distanced from everyone else, closed off and alone. I know my mother meant the best for me. I know she meant to protect me, but Cameron," and here John closed his eyes as if in pain, "Cameron, I was so alone. I felt like a machine. Drills and combat training and fighting, and always, always running away."

Cameron took a step toward her leader. Something inside her must have been malfunctioning because she felt strangely uncomfortable. It was as if his words had some powerful hold on her.

"Cameron," John said, "I need you to teach me how to be human."


	8. Chapter 8

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I don't own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

**Big thanks to all my reviewers. I love you guys!!! Virtual x's and o's to all of you! Muah!**

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 8**

She felt fully alive.

Cameron stood crying before John. The tears were streaming down her face, and they slipped passed her lips into her mouth and tasted of salt. Her body felt full to bursting, an assortment of feelings surging through her and threatening to spill out.

John's hands were firmly gripping her shoulders, and she was almost beside herself at the thought of being so closed to him. It was strange; in the future, she had spent years in the company of John Connor, and she was loyal to him, but she had never felt this way about him.

Now, all Cameron wanted was never to leave John.

John was staring down at Cameron with a look of pure confusion. He had just seen a terminator cry. CRY! He felt it was perfectly natural for him to freak out.

"Cameron, what the hell is going on?" he asked. He had enough presence of mine to keep his voice down since his mother was asleep down the hall. "How is this happening?"

"It's because of you, John," she said. "It's because of the mission you gave me."

"What mission?"

She laughed. "Oh, John, I'm afraid of what this is," Cameron told him. "I'm afraid of what you've done to me."

"Oh, God, I've got to sit down," John said. He let go of cyborg and staggered to the edge of his bed. Cameron followed him and sat down beside him.

"You're a little too close, Cameron," he told her. She edged away from his side slightly but not enough, and John found he had to physically push her away from him. "There's this thing about humans that you're going to have to learn: personal space. We're crazy about it."

She nodded and smiled at him. It was clearly freaking him out, and she found that she enjoyed it.

"Okay, you really need to explain what is going on here," John said. "Because I think I'm in shock."

"I think I can tell you," Cameron said. "I can tell you what I know I'm allowed to tell you, but even I am having a hard time understanding it all."

They sat cross-legged and facing each other on the bed. Cameron was jittery, but she was able to keep hers voice calm as she began to explain.

"Before I left the future," she said, "I was reprogrammed. John often worked on me in the years after I was captured—"

"Wait, captured?" John interrupted.

"Yes," Cameron said and ignored his inquiring look as she continued. "John had great plans for me. We used to sit in his room and discuss them late into the evening until he fell asleep. He was so thrilled when I was found. He did not show it to the others, just me. He told me that he knew me, and that he had been waiting for me. I didn't understand."

"You and me both," was John's remark. Again, Cameron ignored him.

"John decided to alter my software so that I could experience emotion like humans." At these words, John stopped freaking out and began to pay attention. "Skynet presets all of its terminators to read-only, but John fixed that when I was first found. John had also figured out a way to simulate emotions within me so that I could understand him better. Artificial intelligence."

"But when did he do this?" John asked. "I mean, when did _I _do this? You haven't been like this until the last couple of days."

"I'm getting to that," Cameron said. "John programmed me so that the artificial intelligence would begin subtly. As I experience humanity and interacted with humans, my concept of the sacredness of human life grows. I can imitate human emotion to an extent, and each interaction teaches me just a little bit more. It is like little layers of information and understanding. By themselves, these interactions do not make any sense, but when they are put together, I am able to understand their complex nature in such a way that I can adapt myself."

She leaned forward conspiratorially, and whispered, "John, I think you essentially gave me free will."

"Holy shit."

"It's marvelous," Cameron said, leaning even closer to him. "John, I _understand_. This is why Skynet is so opposed to your kind. You have the ability to choose. Skynet cannot comprehend this. All Skynet knows is that humans are insufficient because they are so easily influenced. Humans are irrational. But, oh John—" and now, Cameron had managed to slide back beside him. She was inches away from him, and John was having a hard time focusing on anything other than those glorious eyes. He could feel her very words brushing against his lips as she whispered, "John, you made me more real and more whole than Skynet could have ever thought possible."

"But why?" he choked out. "Why would I want you to—"

"Because he knew how lonely you are, John," Cameron explained. "You've been empty for so long. Sarah loves you, but John, you have to have relationships with more than just your mother. These are your people you will be leading in the future. You have to know who they are, what they want from life, and how they act."

"I don't understand."

"Just trust me, John," Cameron said. "Trust me to teach you."

He nodded. Really, what else could he do? His mind was blown, all understanding shot to hell with this insane conversation.

Cameron seemed to realize John's discomfort and confusion. "You should sleep," she said, standing up and pulling back the covers of his bed. John followed her example and helped. They rearranged the bed, and then Cameron stepped back and motioned that John should get it in. He was completely weirded out, but he obeyed and slipped under the sheets. Cameron stooped and switched off the lamp beside his bed. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, John watched as Cameron began to leave.

"Cameron?" he called out hesitantly.

"Yes, John?"

"I know you don't sleep," John said, and he felt foolish for even asking, "But would you stay with me for the night?"

Cameron stopped at the door. "Stay with you?" she asked. "Why?"

"Because you're right," John confessed. "I do feel alone, and if you can fix that, Cameron, I don't want you far away from me."

Her face was hard, and she cautioned him, "I'm not going to engage in any sexual activities with you."

"No, I get that," John assured her. _Damn_, he thought to himself, and then felt ashamed. "I just—"

Cameron came to his side and gently nudged him. Surprised, John stopped talking and slid over to make room for her. She lay down beside him and brought the covers up around them both.

"Go to sleep, John," she told him. "I'll be right here."

John turned over and shut his eyes. He felt one of her arms wrap around his waist, and she moved closer to him. In her embrace, he sighed and drifted off to sleep.

Cameron listened as John's breathing began to ease into a steady rhythm, and then she let herself give in to her tears again.

Her mission was to help John become the leader she knew him to be, but it would require love and sacrifice from her. John had programmed her to feel, and now she wondered if he had known that by doing so he had made it possible for her to fall in love.

Because she had. Cameron realized that she was in love with her boy-leader, and she realized that she could never let herself give into those feelings again.

John needed someone that was flesh and blood, and Cameron would never be more than a highly evolved terminator.


	9. Chapter 9

Title – **Fully Alive**

Synopsis – Even Cameron is unaware of just how _human_ she is.

Disclaimer – I don't own Terminator or anyone associated with the franchise.

* * *

**Fully alive and she knows**

**How to believe in futures**

**Chapter 9**

The house was silent as Sarah dressed for the day. She had already gotten in her daily workout, had taken her vitamins, and was now preparing to make a quick breakfast for her and John.

She thought about her plans for the day. John's face had been healing quite nicely from his tussle with the Tin Miss, but it was still a little off color. Sarah reasoned she could keep John and Cameron at home for the rest of the week, but she knew her son would be going out of his mind with cabin fever if she did that.

_Tomorrow_, she thought as she brushed her hair, _I'll send John back to school tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. No, tomorrow. Gotta keep him off the radar. _

Today, she would make sure that John worked on his homework (she had a suspicion that he was making Cameron do the work for him), and they would probably do some drills. It had been some time since Sarah and John had visited the shooting range. It would do them good to get in some practice.

She left her bedroom, tying her hair back as she walked down the carpeted hall, and paused outside of John's room. It was 6:45 a.m., and Sarah knew that John would still be asleep. He would get mad at her, but Sarah liked to watch John sleep. It calmed her to watch him be at peace.

Cautiously, Sarah opened the door to John's room and stepped in.

Lying in John's bed was Cameron. She was sitting up in his bed, and when Sarah entered, she looked up with her signature blank expression. Beside her lay John. He was turned on his side, his head on Cameron's stomach, and his left arm thrown over her in an embrace.

"What the hell is this?" Sarah shouted.

"Shh," Cameron said with a jerk of her head to indicate the sleeping John, but Sarah's voice had woken her son and he jerked out of Cameron's lap.

"Wha? Wasgongon?" he slurred.

"You woke him," Cameron reproached Sarah.

John blinked and looked from Cameron in his bed to his mother standing before him with the most terrifying look he had ever seen.

"Mom, this isn't how it looks," John began. He untangled himself from his bed sheets and got out of bed. The fact that her son was still wearing clothes did not go unnoticed by Sarah but it did not comfort her either.

"Oh, really John, then how is it supposed to look?" Sarah shouted.

"Sarah, you should lower your voice," Cameron told her dully. "It is still early, and you don't want to disturb the neighbors."

Sarah lunged for the cyborg, but John jumped in front of his mother and shoved her aside.

"MOM!" he shouted. "I know this looks bad, and I know you are not going to understand any of this, but trust me, NOTHING HAPPENED!"

Sarah did not answer John but continued to glare at the two in front of her. Cameron rose from the bed and came to stand beside John. The two shared a glance that made Sarah seethe with anger, and John turned his attention to his mother.

"Cameron and I have been talking, Mom," he said. "She's told me about the future and a little about her mission here."

"And what is that mission?" Sarah spat.

John would not meet his mother's eyes as he answered, "I don't think I should tell you."

"John Connor," she said, grabbing her son by the collar of his t-shirt, "What is Cameron's goddamn mission?"

"If John does not want to tell you, Sarah, then I think you should respect him," Cameron said. "It's his decision."

"You stay out of this!" Sarah yelled.

"Don't yell at her!" John shouted back.

"Don't tell me what to do, John!" His mother rebuked him. "I am the parent here!"

"I know that," he said, "But I'm the fucking savior of the world!"

Sarah and John were inches from each other, fists clenched and ready to come to blows. Cameron stood still but on the inside, her newfound emotions were going haywire. One thought remained constant in her mind: _This is the John Connor I know._

"What did you say?" Sarah asked in a quiet voice.

"I'm sorry," John said, although he did not sound very apologetic, "but you have to trust me on this. You have to trust me to make my own decisions. I can't rely on you forever."

Sarah blinked. She took a step back and seemed to shake. "Fine, then," she said. "Do what you want."

Sarah turned and walked quickly from the room. John felt that he should follow her but stood his ground. He felt Cameron reach for his hand and he allowed her to take it. She gave him a small squeeze.

"Are you okay?" she asked, and this time her voice was as it had been last night, full of emotion.

"No, I'm not," John said. He sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed his hands through his hair.

Cameron looked down on him. "You're upset," she observed.

"Damn right I'm upset."

"You could tell her," Cameron suggested. "It's your decision."

"No, she wouldn't understand. Hell, I don't even understand all of it." John stared at the floor. He was not mad at Sarah but at himself for handling the situation so poorly.

"You must not put yourself down," Cameron said.

"I shouldn't have treated her like that."

"She'll understand."

"I'm not so sure."

"She loves you, doesn't she?" Cameron asked. She knelt beside him and reached for his hands. Looking up into his eyes, she said, "Sarah loves you and she will trust you."

"Maybe," John said, standing up and pushing Cameron away. He walked to his closet and removed some clothes from a pile on the floor. "I'm going to go shower," he said. He left and did not look back even as Cameron called after him.

Cameron was left kneeling on the floor. _He's mad at me_, she realized, _and Sarah is mad at me. I don't like this. Should I be mad? No_, she reasoned, _I'm not mad. I'm just hurt. _

_Emotions are so tedious. _

* * *

Sarah was running.

She breathed in and out, pumping her arms and pushing against the earth as fast as she could. Run, run, run. She did not know where she was running to nor did she care. She just had to run.

The streets and buildings blurred around her as she pushed herself harder, making herself run longer and faster. Her lungs were burning in her chest, and she could feel the pulse of her heart throughout her entire body. There was nothing known to her but the sound of her accelerated breathing and the thought that she must run.

_I can't rely on you forever._

Her eyes were stinging with tears. She tried to keep running but her body was tired. She could feel herself slowing, and Sarah did not want to give in. If she gave in, she would have to think about what had happened, and if she thought about what had happened, then she would be confronted with the truth that she had fought for so long to change: that her son was to become the leader of the humanity.

_I can't rely on you forever. _

Sarah wondered if her son realized the full truth of his words.

She gritted her teeth and pressed on. Sarah kept running.

It was what she did best.


	10. Chapter 10

Hiya.

This fic is never going to be updated. At least not by me. So, so, terribly sorry. You guys are great, and it kills me not to continue, but the little muse who whispered this story into my ear selfishly committed suicide, and I just have no direction.

Having said that, if anyone wants to take this and run with it in their own direction, PLEASE! Do it, and tell me, and I'll cheer you on. This story deserves to be finished, I just cannot do it.

I give her to you, dear readers. Treat her well.


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